I lost my job today

Where to from here? I’ve been in a situation before when I thought I’d be completely screwed. But somehow I always made it though. Today, I was retrenched from a company I’ve been with for 4 years. Working there had been a pinnacle part of my career. I became the head of my department in 2 years. I had doubled my salary in the period I was there for. It challenged me and taught me a lot. I had a feeling something was coming. I called out the exact reason. They’ll be outsourcing the services I’m currently providing.

Considering I have been having some trouble with my mental health as of late, I can’t imagine this has come at a worse time. I do feel lost and taken by surprise. But what had once been my challenge, had now become my comfort. I wasn’t happy anymore and I stayed because I was satisfied.

This move has pushed me to make the change I’ve been looking for. I have one month to make things happen. What exactly do I want?

I have no idea.

But I do know that I want to be happy. I want to be challenged and I want to feel worthwhile. I want to be appreciated and I want my life to have meaning.

Last week I had an interview. I’m not sure if it went well, if I’ll get the job, or if it will become one of those fleeting memories of “Remember that time I was so nervous for that interview I postponed it three times?” But I went. I did it. And I’m glad I did. Because if I can do that interview at that level, I’ll be able to handle the next few job interviews which I need to make come my way.

I’m scared.

But I won’t let this break me. Or change my vision to make my life better this year. I started off this year wanting to find happiness. Happiness within myself, within my job, with my physical appearance. Maybe this is the catalyst for all of that.

I never before felt so attached to a single working environment. And that was my biggest downfall. Because I allowed myself to stop growing.

Losing your job is still a loss.

So I cried today. Then I got angry. Then I made a plan to bargain my severance pay. It’s like the 5 stages of depression. But I’m going through it all so fast.

Because now, I’m in acceptance.

This is the situation I’ve found myself in. Am I going to crumble? No. Because I’ve been through worse. I lost my family just after I turned 23. This is nothing compared to that.

Money is nothing.

Status means nothing.

I had it all and I was still miserable. Here is what I have now:

  1. A family

Gareths parents are so kind to me, I love them and they love me.

2. A home

Gareth and I stay under the roof that my family left me.

3. Babies

We have two beautiful dogs, who are our children. They make me so happy just looking at them.

4. Love

I am surrounded by love, whether I choose to see it or not.

I am not alone.

I am strong.

I am able.

I’ll get through this.