Considering I have been having some trouble with my mental health as of late, I can’t imagine this has come at a worse time. I do feel lost and taken by surprise. But what had once been my challenge, had now become my comfort. I wasn’t happy anymore and I stayed because I was satisfied.
This move has pushed me to make the change I’ve been looking for. I have one month to make things happen. What exactly do I want?
I have no idea.
But I do know that I want to be happy. I want to be challenged and I want to feel worthwhile. I want to be appreciated and I want my life to have meaning.
Last week I had an interview. I’m not sure if it went well, if I’ll get the job, or if it will become one of those fleeting memories of “Remember that time I was so nervous for that interview I postponed it three times?” But I went. I did it. And I’m glad I did. Because if I can do that interview at that level, I’ll be able to handle the next few job interviews which I need to make come my way.
But I won’t let this break me. Or change my vision to make my life better this year. I started off this year wanting to find happiness. Happiness within myself, within my job, with my physical appearance. Maybe this is the catalyst for all of that.
I never before felt so attached to a single working environment. And that was my biggest downfall. Because I allowed myself to stop growing.
Losing your job is still a loss.
So I cried today. Then I got angry. Then I made a plan to bargain my severance pay. It’s like the 5 stages of depression. But I’m going through it all so fast.
Because now, I’m in acceptance.
This is the situation I’ve found myself in. Am I going to crumble? No. Because I’ve been through worse. I lost my family just after I turned 23. This is nothing compared to that.
Money is nothing.
Status means nothing.
I had it all and I was still miserable. Here is what I have now:
- A family
Gareths parents are so kind to me, I love them and they love me.
2. A home
Gareth and I stay under the roof that my family left me.
We have two beautiful dogs, who are our children. They make me so happy just looking at them.
I am surrounded by love, whether I choose to see it or not.
I am not alone.
I am strong.
I am able.
I’ll get through this.